I gave birth
Too large of a baby
Too flat of a pelvis
Said I couldn’t do it
I gave birth
Too risky they said
Too much overdue
C-Section scar
I gave birth
Glucose intolerant
Group B positive
What’s your end game?
I gave birth
Without their interventions
Without their fears
Surrounded by calm peaceful love
I gave birth
Let that contraction go
Listen to your body
Holding hands
I gave birth
Birth stool in my kitchen
Birth tub on the floor
Trusting it all
I gave birth
Strong pain
Stronger support
Moaning low
I gave birth
My body isn’t broken
My spirit is healed
My heart is so thankful
I GAVE BIRTH!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A doula in training's perspective...
A Birth Story
A Doula In Training's Perspective
I found that the most important thing you can do for any client is meet frequently with them. And that was most evident when it came time for Carolyn to deliver. I meet with Carolyn and Doug twice before Lisa took me on as my Mentor, and then the rest of the meetings were together. And I learned so much just from a few one to two hour meetings. First of all, was Carolyn needed a birth plan. This was obvious to me at my first meeting with her. She was scared of our hospital and the possible of the procedures that could be done to her. So I focused on this each meeting.
So with birth plan in hand, and Carolyn with high blood pressure and just not going into labor as we so much had tried and hoped. She was off to the hospital to be induced. And not too sure what to expect. I meet Doug and Carolyn in assessment at 4:30 already hooked up to fetal monitors and not too surprised to see that Carolyn was contracting irregularly while on the monitor, and baby was happy and sleeping. Dr. Getz came in at 5:00pm and checked Carolyn and she was 2 cm, baby's head was still high and still 25% effaced. When Dr. Getz felt that the baby's head was still high her whole body language changed and I could feel the tension fill the room. Her arms crossed, her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she started to bite her lower lip and mumble as if she were talking to herself and to Carolyn if she should even do it (break the water). With the nurse standing beside her, listening to Dr. Getz ramble and watching her very uncomfortable body language she asked her if she should put her in the high risk wing on labor and delivery. I could see Carolyn start to fidget. Doug got quiet and I just sat and watched to see if she would actually break her water or do the cervidil (sp?). I guess the problem I had with this whole thing is that Dr. Getz discussed out loud weather she should or should not break Carolyn water in a semi sitting up position or just do the cercidil and get her going that way. Either way with Carolyn's blood pressure she would have to stay in the hospital during the whole induction.
148/86, baby was a sleep for ½ hr on fetal monitor and so with a little encouragement from some juice started to get some good movements. Dr. Getz after about 10 mins decided to try and break Carolyn in a semi sitting position while a nurse pushed down on baby. So at 5:36 Carolyn's water was broke while the nurse pushed on the top of the fundus. Doug and I tag teamed for a ½ hr after that so the nurse could go and do rounds, to keep pressure and baby in place. Dr. Getz kept her hand in Carolyn to make sure there was no cord coming down and she was comfortable to let Carolyn walk around and get baby to come down some more. Contractions were 3 mins apart and were lasting about 1 min. by the time we took the monitor off to go walking.
We went walking for about ½ hr and during that time I ran down stains to update Lisa as to what was happening with the induction, as Lisa was in a seminar. And was a great time to grab that much needed coffee. Yeah coffee!
At 7:00 Dr. Getz checked Carolyn and she was now 3-4 cms and 50-75% effaced, contractions were every 2 mins apart and lasting 1 min still. Her blood pressure was 155/88. Carolyn could tell her contractions are were getting stronger. Baby's h/rate was 150. We ran into Lisa and she suggested doing stairs, to help open and dilate the cervix. So that is what we did.
At 7:20 Dr. Getz checked Carolyn and she was still 3-4 and 50-75% effaced, much to Carolyn's disappointment. She really felt that she was much further along. H/rate was between 147-160. Contractions were getting stronger, Carolyn can feel them peaking and lasting longer (every 2 mins). 142/91 blood pressure.
7:30, Carolyn and Doug went for some tub time. Her contractions were really starting to get uncomfortable and opted for the tub. While I showed Doug where the tub was and he got it running Carolyn sat on the toilet as a make shift ball, saying it felt good and it helped. Was getting shaky. Labor and Delivery wanted to move her over but Dr. Getz and I told her that Carolyn just got into the tub and to give her a ½ hr or so.
7:45, Nurse Michelle from L/D checked h/r in tub. Carolyn was very happy in the tub. Wanted to stay in tub till about 8:00 then move over to L/D. Doug was doing awesome keeping Carolyn comfortable and it was great alone time for them.
8:00, Dr. Getz checked Carolyn. 5Cms dilated. And we moved Carolyn over to L/D. Heart rate was 140 @ L/D. We got the birth ball, but it wasn't Carolyn's thing. So far walking and the tub are her thing. So get rid of the ball and start walking. Keep things moving...and that's what we did. Blood pressure 140/84, baby's heart rate was 147. Once we got all the that done we went walking and did stairs again. When the stairs got too hard to handle and Carolyn did awesome walking through all her contractions, we stuck to level ground. She breathed really well through all her contractions and was able to talk through them and Doug was such a great support to Carolyn the whole time.
8:25, Dr. Getz checked Carolyn again..Carolyn was sure she was getting close and wanted to get checked. Contractions were every 2 mins and lasting 1 min. Very strong and hard to walk through. Baby was posterior, 75% effaced, 5 cm still and baby's h/rate was 145-150. This discouraged Carolyn quite a bit. I just kept encouraging her that she was doing awesome. Each contraction she had, I just told her she was doing awesome, and that is what she needed to hear....at least that is what she kept telling me. I felt like a broken record.
At 8:30, Carolyn went to the tub on the labor floor. And this is where she stayed for the majority of her labor. I suggest to any doula or doula in training that you should bring an extra pair of pants...b/c you may soak your in a shower accident, as I did. Soon after we got into the tub Carolyn broke down and started to cry. She remembered how hard it was and is. I told her she was doing awesome and that she was breathing and in control and that she was on top of each contraction. I told her how proud I was of her and Doug told her how proud he was of her. At this point I had to pop out to go to the bathroom and the nurse stayed in and I ran into Lisa in the hall and gave her the run down of what had just happened.
I came back and Lisa was talking to Carolyn and telling her how good it was to cry. Which at first I thought how odd it was then it made sense, getting all those emotions out, everything all at the surface. Man that Lisa is smart.
As each contraction got harder to handle Carolyn didn't have back labor she felt all her contractions right under belly and that is where she wanted the shower head to be aimed, either Doug, herself or me would aim the water and that worked through the contraction along with the deep breathing techniques. Lisa also helped me to remember something I had forgotten from my birthrythm class, and that was the slack jaw open mouth, low tone “ooo” sound while you breath out. That open...breath in and “oooopen”. As soon as I was reminded of that, it was a light bulb moment in my head and from then on I really needed little prompting from Lisa as what to do. I was in a groove and knew what Carolyn and also what Doug needed. Because I needed to keep Doug involved.
I felt so confident with them as a couple and us as a team, that I knew that we could pull off her birth plan of no drug what so ever. In the past she had had oxygen near the end and I did not want that for her...that was her goal. And I knew she could do it. When she would start to panic and her voice would raise, and I could hear Lisa start saying something, I knew what I had to do. And it never took more than one sentence from Lisa to prompt me.
By 10:30 and still in the tub Dr. Getz came and checked Carolyn and she was 8 cms, her b/p was 120/65...the most normal it had been in over a two week period. But I found them turning the lights on really took Carolyn off guard and her contractions came and Carolyn wasn't ready for them. Before, with the lights off and in a quiet place she was in a peaceful place and was ready for them, but after a disturbance like that it took her a good two contractions to get back into a good rhythm and not panicking. We soon moved Carolyn over to L & D room, and she walked there, while pushing her wheelchair.
We got to the room and got her right into the shower and stayed there until 11:10 when Shiloh Hope made her arrival, weighing in at 7pds 5 oz. It was funny because, Carolyn kept saying she was cold in the shower, and then she was going to be sick. And I turned to Lisa and said “She's going to have the baby soon right?” and Lisa just nodded. Then Carolyn's contractions got further apart. And it was so fun watching Doug take over my job and helping Carolyn breathe, and then right when Carolyn felt like she had to push and the head was coming out. Lisa and I breathed out loud with Carolyn her last three contractions in the shower until she felt that she knew the head was about the come. We got her onto the bed and Dr. Getz barely had time to put gloves on, the nurse tried to take the bed apart...even though we wanted Carolyn to push side lying and Shiloh was making her grand debut.
She did awesome. She was controlled, she breathed perfectly and the thing that I thought was awesome was that Lisa put her two fingers up to her mouth to blow on right when her shoulders where coming out. I was more worried that Doug couldn't see. I didn't want dad to miss it, since I was holding Carolyn's leg and well honestly I had the best seat in the house.
At midnight Carolyn nursed Shiloh and she fed well, which doesn't surprise me since she was sucking her thumb minutes after she was born. Carolyn ate some toast. Her blood pressure but 138/78.
Carolyn was moved up to anti part um at 12:35 after passing a rather large clot and her last b/p was 158/89. I stayed with Carolyn and Doug until she was in her room and went home at around 1:00am. And even though it was late and I'm pretty sure my coffee had worn off by then, but my adrenaline hadn't.
All my friends had said that this was going to be my make it or break it birth. Either your going to love it or hate it. And well, lets just say I didn't faint (thank God for that...man that would have sucked) and I loved every minute of it and would do it again tomorrow. This has been one of the best experiences of my life and I want to do this over and over again. I am so blessed to have Carolyn and Doug let me share this amazing experience with them. I am even more blessed to have had Lisa mentor me through this and learn from such an amazing woman.
Christine Lawson
A Doula In Training's Perspective
I found that the most important thing you can do for any client is meet frequently with them. And that was most evident when it came time for Carolyn to deliver. I meet with Carolyn and Doug twice before Lisa took me on as my Mentor, and then the rest of the meetings were together. And I learned so much just from a few one to two hour meetings. First of all, was Carolyn needed a birth plan. This was obvious to me at my first meeting with her. She was scared of our hospital and the possible of the procedures that could be done to her. So I focused on this each meeting.
So with birth plan in hand, and Carolyn with high blood pressure and just not going into labor as we so much had tried and hoped. She was off to the hospital to be induced. And not too sure what to expect. I meet Doug and Carolyn in assessment at 4:30 already hooked up to fetal monitors and not too surprised to see that Carolyn was contracting irregularly while on the monitor, and baby was happy and sleeping. Dr. Getz came in at 5:00pm and checked Carolyn and she was 2 cm, baby's head was still high and still 25% effaced. When Dr. Getz felt that the baby's head was still high her whole body language changed and I could feel the tension fill the room. Her arms crossed, her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she started to bite her lower lip and mumble as if she were talking to herself and to Carolyn if she should even do it (break the water). With the nurse standing beside her, listening to Dr. Getz ramble and watching her very uncomfortable body language she asked her if she should put her in the high risk wing on labor and delivery. I could see Carolyn start to fidget. Doug got quiet and I just sat and watched to see if she would actually break her water or do the cervidil (sp?). I guess the problem I had with this whole thing is that Dr. Getz discussed out loud weather she should or should not break Carolyn water in a semi sitting up position or just do the cercidil and get her going that way. Either way with Carolyn's blood pressure she would have to stay in the hospital during the whole induction.
148/86, baby was a sleep for ½ hr on fetal monitor and so with a little encouragement from some juice started to get some good movements. Dr. Getz after about 10 mins decided to try and break Carolyn in a semi sitting position while a nurse pushed down on baby. So at 5:36 Carolyn's water was broke while the nurse pushed on the top of the fundus. Doug and I tag teamed for a ½ hr after that so the nurse could go and do rounds, to keep pressure and baby in place. Dr. Getz kept her hand in Carolyn to make sure there was no cord coming down and she was comfortable to let Carolyn walk around and get baby to come down some more. Contractions were 3 mins apart and were lasting about 1 min. by the time we took the monitor off to go walking.
We went walking for about ½ hr and during that time I ran down stains to update Lisa as to what was happening with the induction, as Lisa was in a seminar. And was a great time to grab that much needed coffee. Yeah coffee!
At 7:00 Dr. Getz checked Carolyn and she was now 3-4 cms and 50-75% effaced, contractions were every 2 mins apart and lasting 1 min still. Her blood pressure was 155/88. Carolyn could tell her contractions are were getting stronger. Baby's h/rate was 150. We ran into Lisa and she suggested doing stairs, to help open and dilate the cervix. So that is what we did.
At 7:20 Dr. Getz checked Carolyn and she was still 3-4 and 50-75% effaced, much to Carolyn's disappointment. She really felt that she was much further along. H/rate was between 147-160. Contractions were getting stronger, Carolyn can feel them peaking and lasting longer (every 2 mins). 142/91 blood pressure.
7:30, Carolyn and Doug went for some tub time. Her contractions were really starting to get uncomfortable and opted for the tub. While I showed Doug where the tub was and he got it running Carolyn sat on the toilet as a make shift ball, saying it felt good and it helped. Was getting shaky. Labor and Delivery wanted to move her over but Dr. Getz and I told her that Carolyn just got into the tub and to give her a ½ hr or so.
7:45, Nurse Michelle from L/D checked h/r in tub. Carolyn was very happy in the tub. Wanted to stay in tub till about 8:00 then move over to L/D. Doug was doing awesome keeping Carolyn comfortable and it was great alone time for them.
8:00, Dr. Getz checked Carolyn. 5Cms dilated. And we moved Carolyn over to L/D. Heart rate was 140 @ L/D. We got the birth ball, but it wasn't Carolyn's thing. So far walking and the tub are her thing. So get rid of the ball and start walking. Keep things moving...and that's what we did. Blood pressure 140/84, baby's heart rate was 147. Once we got all the that done we went walking and did stairs again. When the stairs got too hard to handle and Carolyn did awesome walking through all her contractions, we stuck to level ground. She breathed really well through all her contractions and was able to talk through them and Doug was such a great support to Carolyn the whole time.
8:25, Dr. Getz checked Carolyn again..Carolyn was sure she was getting close and wanted to get checked. Contractions were every 2 mins and lasting 1 min. Very strong and hard to walk through. Baby was posterior, 75% effaced, 5 cm still and baby's h/rate was 145-150. This discouraged Carolyn quite a bit. I just kept encouraging her that she was doing awesome. Each contraction she had, I just told her she was doing awesome, and that is what she needed to hear....at least that is what she kept telling me. I felt like a broken record.
At 8:30, Carolyn went to the tub on the labor floor. And this is where she stayed for the majority of her labor. I suggest to any doula or doula in training that you should bring an extra pair of pants...b/c you may soak your in a shower accident, as I did. Soon after we got into the tub Carolyn broke down and started to cry. She remembered how hard it was and is. I told her she was doing awesome and that she was breathing and in control and that she was on top of each contraction. I told her how proud I was of her and Doug told her how proud he was of her. At this point I had to pop out to go to the bathroom and the nurse stayed in and I ran into Lisa in the hall and gave her the run down of what had just happened.
I came back and Lisa was talking to Carolyn and telling her how good it was to cry. Which at first I thought how odd it was then it made sense, getting all those emotions out, everything all at the surface. Man that Lisa is smart.
As each contraction got harder to handle Carolyn didn't have back labor she felt all her contractions right under belly and that is where she wanted the shower head to be aimed, either Doug, herself or me would aim the water and that worked through the contraction along with the deep breathing techniques. Lisa also helped me to remember something I had forgotten from my birthrythm class, and that was the slack jaw open mouth, low tone “ooo” sound while you breath out. That open...breath in and “oooopen”. As soon as I was reminded of that, it was a light bulb moment in my head and from then on I really needed little prompting from Lisa as what to do. I was in a groove and knew what Carolyn and also what Doug needed. Because I needed to keep Doug involved.
I felt so confident with them as a couple and us as a team, that I knew that we could pull off her birth plan of no drug what so ever. In the past she had had oxygen near the end and I did not want that for her...that was her goal. And I knew she could do it. When she would start to panic and her voice would raise, and I could hear Lisa start saying something, I knew what I had to do. And it never took more than one sentence from Lisa to prompt me.
By 10:30 and still in the tub Dr. Getz came and checked Carolyn and she was 8 cms, her b/p was 120/65...the most normal it had been in over a two week period. But I found them turning the lights on really took Carolyn off guard and her contractions came and Carolyn wasn't ready for them. Before, with the lights off and in a quiet place she was in a peaceful place and was ready for them, but after a disturbance like that it took her a good two contractions to get back into a good rhythm and not panicking. We soon moved Carolyn over to L & D room, and she walked there, while pushing her wheelchair.
We got to the room and got her right into the shower and stayed there until 11:10 when Shiloh Hope made her arrival, weighing in at 7pds 5 oz. It was funny because, Carolyn kept saying she was cold in the shower, and then she was going to be sick. And I turned to Lisa and said “She's going to have the baby soon right?” and Lisa just nodded. Then Carolyn's contractions got further apart. And it was so fun watching Doug take over my job and helping Carolyn breathe, and then right when Carolyn felt like she had to push and the head was coming out. Lisa and I breathed out loud with Carolyn her last three contractions in the shower until she felt that she knew the head was about the come. We got her onto the bed and Dr. Getz barely had time to put gloves on, the nurse tried to take the bed apart...even though we wanted Carolyn to push side lying and Shiloh was making her grand debut.
She did awesome. She was controlled, she breathed perfectly and the thing that I thought was awesome was that Lisa put her two fingers up to her mouth to blow on right when her shoulders where coming out. I was more worried that Doug couldn't see. I didn't want dad to miss it, since I was holding Carolyn's leg and well honestly I had the best seat in the house.
At midnight Carolyn nursed Shiloh and she fed well, which doesn't surprise me since she was sucking her thumb minutes after she was born. Carolyn ate some toast. Her blood pressure but 138/78.
Carolyn was moved up to anti part um at 12:35 after passing a rather large clot and her last b/p was 158/89. I stayed with Carolyn and Doug until she was in her room and went home at around 1:00am. And even though it was late and I'm pretty sure my coffee had worn off by then, but my adrenaline hadn't.
All my friends had said that this was going to be my make it or break it birth. Either your going to love it or hate it. And well, lets just say I didn't faint (thank God for that...man that would have sucked) and I loved every minute of it and would do it again tomorrow. This has been one of the best experiences of my life and I want to do this over and over again. I am so blessed to have Carolyn and Doug let me share this amazing experience with them. I am even more blessed to have had Lisa mentor me through this and learn from such an amazing woman.
Christine Lawson
Swayde Waters; The story of your Birth
The day you came to breathe your first breath came with stormy waters indeed. After months of caring for you perfectly, your mother’s labour began. Nice and slow, with only a back ache to let her know that she would see you soon. She was so focused and ready to open her body and let you come to greet the world…
Then there came the surprise… Sometime in the days or weeks before you had decided to greet the world feet first. Your little body was turned around in the womb so that your head was tucked quite neatly below your mother’s rib cage and your foot was trying to push through the opening below. I wonder if this is how you will greet all of life’s challenges. Feet first, without looking at what exactly you are getting yourself intoJ.
Where we live there are very few people left who know how to help a determined soul like you get born that way. Sometimes too much science makes us forget the wisdom of ancient ways. You had grown into such a beautiful and healthy child that there was no room left in the womb to try to coax you to turn around. Your mother then asked for the help of good doctors who could help you come into the world safely, in the absence of the knowledge of the ancient ways to bring a strong spirit like you out safely.
Sometimes your mother was afraid; she wanted only the best for you. She is a very courageous woman. You see, courage only comes from walking through fear. She did it so well. Your father stood strongly at her side the entire time. I can see where your strength and determination come from Swayde. They will fight any battle for your safety.
You still managed to be born the way you wanted. Your little feet came first. You stepped into life with confidence.
When you took your first breathe there was a sense of pure joy in the room. The first words spoken over you were of love and greetings,
followed by the story of your Guardian Angel. You are never alone. The Creator of all things watches over his precious ones.
The journey for you has just begun. Continue to stand and walk tall Swadye Waters. You can overcome any obstacle.
You have been born into a legacy of love and courage.
Walk tall.
May love and blessings walk with you always.
With love,
Your birth guardian
L. V. W.
Then there came the surprise… Sometime in the days or weeks before you had decided to greet the world feet first. Your little body was turned around in the womb so that your head was tucked quite neatly below your mother’s rib cage and your foot was trying to push through the opening below. I wonder if this is how you will greet all of life’s challenges. Feet first, without looking at what exactly you are getting yourself intoJ.
Where we live there are very few people left who know how to help a determined soul like you get born that way. Sometimes too much science makes us forget the wisdom of ancient ways. You had grown into such a beautiful and healthy child that there was no room left in the womb to try to coax you to turn around. Your mother then asked for the help of good doctors who could help you come into the world safely, in the absence of the knowledge of the ancient ways to bring a strong spirit like you out safely.
Sometimes your mother was afraid; she wanted only the best for you. She is a very courageous woman. You see, courage only comes from walking through fear. She did it so well. Your father stood strongly at her side the entire time. I can see where your strength and determination come from Swayde. They will fight any battle for your safety.
You still managed to be born the way you wanted. Your little feet came first. You stepped into life with confidence.
When you took your first breathe there was a sense of pure joy in the room. The first words spoken over you were of love and greetings,
followed by the story of your Guardian Angel. You are never alone. The Creator of all things watches over his precious ones.
The journey for you has just begun. Continue to stand and walk tall Swadye Waters. You can overcome any obstacle.
You have been born into a legacy of love and courage.
Walk tall.
May love and blessings walk with you always.
With love,
Your birth guardian
L. V. W.
Homebirth Story
I wanted to share my birth story with you and Kari and to thank you both for allthe support and preparation Tony and I received during the birth rhythms andlabour intensive classes.I went to bed after my yoga class on Monday June 8th and woke up at 3:30am inlabour. When I realized I was really in labour I had a moment of panic ("Ican't do this" "I'm not strong enough") and then I remembered all the women Iknew who had taken this journey before me and I let go of all fear. The rest ofthe day was transcendently peaceful! I slept on and off between contractionsthroughout the night and then got up at 7am to begin my more focused journey.Tony and I walked around the neighborhood and then around the birthing poolthroughout the day - I must have walked about 50 miles by the end of the day:-) Walking was definitely the ritual that was working for me. Between each"expansion," I was able to focus on returning to my "baseline" and felt asthough I entered more and more into labourland as the day progressed. At around5:30pm walking just no longer seemed to work, so I entered the birthing pool!The waters brought such relief - in all my life I've never felt such awonderful feeling! I began pushing at around 6pm and through deep moans andeven some powerful growls, I gave birth to a beautiful son at 7:26pm!I can't even express to you how grateful I am for all the preparation Tony and Idid and received. I was able to trust myself, trust the process, and connectwith my baby. In doing so, I birthed him with a profound sense of trust andlove.
Thanks to you both!
Julie.
Thanks to you both!
Julie.
People Spend more time shopping for a new car than they put into their births...
Wasn't sure how to blog straight to the site so I'll leave this for you to post. Apologies for the length, but really this is the short version.
The full version would really have to start the day our daughter Abby was born as I've realized that that experience and all subsequent emotional, psychological and physical experiences have prepared me for this birth.
Can't thank you and Kari enough for the class. It really was the difference between a birth based in fear or trust. Luckily the latter prevailed.With love and gratitude,Jenn, Darren, Abby and Benjamin
journal entry, birth day, July 29, 2006
You are here little Benjamin! We are so in love with you! You are gold. Pure gold. 9 lbs. 1 oz. and a sturdy eater, beautiful color, such a golden pink. The day leading to Benjamin's birth was the first cool day in weeks. We were already a week overdue and our regular doctor left for holidays. We met her replacement, Dr. Doig and I felt completely at ease with her. She reassured me we wouldn't have to induce at the 10 day mark and instantly I felt all pressures and expectations fall away.
It was the first day in weeks that I felt calm and comfortable and trusting in my body and baby. I had felt so frustrated for days, even weeks leading up to this birth, but suddenly I didn't feel frustrated anymore. It was the first time I just let go of thinking about labour and how it would all turn out. At around 6:30 pm we were all in the backyard watching my 3 year old, Abby, go around and around on her tricycle saying "look at me, mommy, look at me!" I was feeling an incredible amount of joy and began to laugh like I hadn't laughed in so long. At that moment my water broke--not enormously, but enough to take my breath away. I kept it to myself and carried on with serving dinner. Every time I stood up from the table I would feel another gush so I decided to call Robyn, our doula, to let her know. When I was dialing her number I realized this was it and began to cry. I had been wanting to cry for days and it felt so good to have an emotional release. All my waters were finally flowing!
At around 7 pm I started to experience the most gentle contractions. I was so excited to feel them. I had been induced my first pregnancy and never knew what it was like to go into labour naturally. I greeted each rush with pleasure and excitement. I truly have never felt so calm and grounded in my life. I felt each contraction was a step toward meeting our son. But I wanted to walk. Slowly and rhythmically, so Darren, my mom, Abby and I headed to the neighbourhood park around 9 pm. My contractions were becoming more regular and frequent, lasting about one minute, five minutes apart. I would stand up and walk off alone through each contraction. I just walked through each contraction meditatively, listening to my footsteps in the grass, smelling the sweet bundle of clover Abby had picked for me, watching the sky.
It was beautiful how much I was able not just to walk through the sensations, but to relax, breathe and find my own rhythm. I was actually feeling joy during each contraction. Darren would time and watch me from the park bench. I felt myself getting pulled deeper into myself, into the moment. I felt stronger and more centered through every contraction. At the same time, the world seemed to be narrowing. I was less aware of my surroundings and more connected to my own breath. It was very primal. Extraneous things seemed to fall away. I suddenly wanted to go inside.
At around 10 pm I suggested we walk home. By the time we got home I could no longer talk through contractions. I shuffled laps around my kitchen and living room through each contraction until it was no longer possible to walk. When I felt I was losing confidence, I got Darren to massage me between contractions. During contractions he squeezed my hips until I couldn't feel any pain. Truly his hip squeezing took away the contractions! It was so wonderful to discover this and we laboured like that for quite a while. I felt immense power between each contraction and really was convinced I could have a natural birth.
Darren massaged me in between contractions so each contraction was met from the calmest possible place of strength within myself. Then suddenly the hip squeezes weren't helping as much and I began to feel restless. I didn't know what I needed and was frustrated not knowing what position to labour in. I started to panic a bit. We went into our dark bedroom and lay on the bed together, but laying down made me feel scared and I began to lose my ground. Suddenly the contractions were intensifying. I began to vocalize through them which really seemed to help not only with the sensation, but in staying grounded and connecting with myself and the baby. I was considering running a bath when Robyn calmly suggested we go to the hospital.
Turns out I was in active labour then and about to go into transition. I was Robyn's second birth and she thought if we didn't get to the hospital soon she'd be delivering our baby in the tub!Luckily I agreed to go to the hospital at that point as I wasn't comfortable at home anymore. At midnight we made our way to the RUH. Robyn set up the back of her van so Darren could still give me hip squeezes. Though they weren't helping as much anymore, it helped to feel the pressure and his physical support. The van windows were open and the heavy scent of rain flooded the air. My face was cooled in the wind and I sent my moans out the window. By the time we went through admissions, I was dropping on the floor and moaning "mooooore" through each contraction while Darren squeezed. At one point I thought how much my requests for "more" sounded like "mourn"!
I was conscious about the tone of my moaning and kept bringing it lower. My voice really took over through each contraction. It was as if my voice was coming from within and outside of me all at once. It really helped to block everyone/everything out except for Robyn and Darren. Despite all the commotion of doctors and nurses who were worried I'd push the baby out right there in the hallway, I really felt as if it was just Darren and Robyn and I. The three of us had such a rhythm together and their attention was so tuned into me, that it was as if we were the only ones present. They were there for me whenever and wherever I needed them. As we made our ways through hallways and elevators and assessments all I had to do was say "NOW" and they would be there squeezing my hips, encouraging me and giving me love.
During transition I really just concentrated on staying inside myself and getting through each contraction as Robyn and Lisa and Kari had all said. I felt alone in my pain, but never unsupported. I kept thinking about how close we were getting to meeting Ben. It was close to torture to go through assessment and to have an exam. I thought I'd die if I had to take a contraction on my back, but the doctor on duty wouldn't have it any other way.
Luckily I was at 8 cm and feeling the urge to push so they sent me up to labour and delivery right away. As they wheeled me through the hallways I ordered them to stop at every contraction so I could rest on my hands and knees. At one point I yelled "I'm pushing!!" as I squatted in the hallway. My entire body wanted this baby to come out but Robyn helped me to breathe in a way that helped me not to push. My vocalizations began to take on words and phrases such as "come on baby" and "I'm puuuuushing! or "it's coooommmminggggg!" The words and my voice and the tone were key to my power. All at once I felt the most powerful and the most pain I have felt in all my life. But luckily the frequency of the contractions didn't leave any room to be overcome by fear. All other intentions beyond absolute necessities got squeezed out of consciousness.
The room lost its detail. The hallways and rooms became spaces of horizontal and vertical objects. Every object was a potential support to lean on through a contraction. Objects lost their regular purpose and everything was centered around me and the baby and how we could get through this. I was able to zone in instantly on what might help us and simultaneously dismiss anything that didn't serve us any purpose.When we got to the birthing room I scoped out the bed, ripped off my gown (which was so annoying) made a tower of pillows, and leaned over it as I bore down on my hands and knees. Darren and Robyn stood on either side of the bed and pressed my hips. The contractions were at their most intense and frequent and the pressure to push was in full force.
I focused all my energy on my voice calling out and sent my energy down through my vagina. With each contraction I visualized opening up around the baby and the baby's head slipping out effortlessly as it had happened in all my birthing dreams. The pressure was tremendous and the contractions were radiating down my thighs. I didn't push with my breath but rather with my voice. I called out from as deep a place as I could. I kept waiting to feel the release that I hadn't felt the last time because I had had an epidural. Most surprising was the pleasure I was feeling. The pressure didn't hurt. In fact if it wasn't for the contractions in my thighs and hips I think with all my screaming it could have been orgasmic!
I was getting so tired but I drew energy each time from a reserve that surprised me. It was really just me and the baby at this point. Dr. Doig had arrived just as Ben was crowning and I could feel her applying a tremendous amount of counterpressure which encouraged me that we were nearly there. The whole time I was pushing I was inside and outside of myself. So powerful inside and so proud about how I was doing this from the outside. The baby's head came through and there was that release! I was there, I was nearly there!
The shoulders took one more push and at 12:53 am, just 50 minutes after arriving at the hospital, Benjamin was born. I was so exhausted and relieved I could hardly turn around and meet him. They put him in my arms immediately. He was absolutely perfect. And there we all sat, Darren, Benjamin, Robyn and I adoring him. We had done it (we had!) as naturally as we had planned.It was such an empowering experience to birth Benjamin naturally. We couldn't have planned it better.
If Dr. Doig hadn't arrived when she did I might have had a doctor who insisted I lay on my back. The nurses as it was seemed to be slightly freaked out that I opted not to have the cytocinon injection nor to have Benjamin bathed or weighed before we had held and breastfeed him and the cord had pulsed out. Unfortunately their reaction to our requests turned into a bit of a negative experience when they were convinced I was hemoraghing (though I was not) and instilled fear in me for hours after the birth that I translated in my overly-vulnerable state, that I might be dying.
Luckily Robyn stayed and reassured me for 5 hours after, rubbing my thighs and serving up Rescue Remedy as needed. Her reassurance and support from the day we met until immediately after the birth was so important. I would never attempt to have a child without at least one doula. She really helped me overcome a lot of anxiety I was harbouring from the last birth and prepare me for a new experience--an experience that turned out to be the most empowering of my life.
I am so so blessed for this baby, this birth and all the wonderful and beautiful people who loved me and honoured pregnancy and the birth experience enough to make this all happen the way it did.Thank you all!I'm including a picture of our first moments with Benjamin.
"People spend more time shopping for a car or home than they put into their births." -- Kim Wildner from the book Mother's Intention
The full version would really have to start the day our daughter Abby was born as I've realized that that experience and all subsequent emotional, psychological and physical experiences have prepared me for this birth.
Can't thank you and Kari enough for the class. It really was the difference between a birth based in fear or trust. Luckily the latter prevailed.With love and gratitude,Jenn, Darren, Abby and Benjamin
journal entry, birth day, July 29, 2006
You are here little Benjamin! We are so in love with you! You are gold. Pure gold. 9 lbs. 1 oz. and a sturdy eater, beautiful color, such a golden pink. The day leading to Benjamin's birth was the first cool day in weeks. We were already a week overdue and our regular doctor left for holidays. We met her replacement, Dr. Doig and I felt completely at ease with her. She reassured me we wouldn't have to induce at the 10 day mark and instantly I felt all pressures and expectations fall away.
It was the first day in weeks that I felt calm and comfortable and trusting in my body and baby. I had felt so frustrated for days, even weeks leading up to this birth, but suddenly I didn't feel frustrated anymore. It was the first time I just let go of thinking about labour and how it would all turn out. At around 6:30 pm we were all in the backyard watching my 3 year old, Abby, go around and around on her tricycle saying "look at me, mommy, look at me!" I was feeling an incredible amount of joy and began to laugh like I hadn't laughed in so long. At that moment my water broke--not enormously, but enough to take my breath away. I kept it to myself and carried on with serving dinner. Every time I stood up from the table I would feel another gush so I decided to call Robyn, our doula, to let her know. When I was dialing her number I realized this was it and began to cry. I had been wanting to cry for days and it felt so good to have an emotional release. All my waters were finally flowing!
At around 7 pm I started to experience the most gentle contractions. I was so excited to feel them. I had been induced my first pregnancy and never knew what it was like to go into labour naturally. I greeted each rush with pleasure and excitement. I truly have never felt so calm and grounded in my life. I felt each contraction was a step toward meeting our son. But I wanted to walk. Slowly and rhythmically, so Darren, my mom, Abby and I headed to the neighbourhood park around 9 pm. My contractions were becoming more regular and frequent, lasting about one minute, five minutes apart. I would stand up and walk off alone through each contraction. I just walked through each contraction meditatively, listening to my footsteps in the grass, smelling the sweet bundle of clover Abby had picked for me, watching the sky.
It was beautiful how much I was able not just to walk through the sensations, but to relax, breathe and find my own rhythm. I was actually feeling joy during each contraction. Darren would time and watch me from the park bench. I felt myself getting pulled deeper into myself, into the moment. I felt stronger and more centered through every contraction. At the same time, the world seemed to be narrowing. I was less aware of my surroundings and more connected to my own breath. It was very primal. Extraneous things seemed to fall away. I suddenly wanted to go inside.
At around 10 pm I suggested we walk home. By the time we got home I could no longer talk through contractions. I shuffled laps around my kitchen and living room through each contraction until it was no longer possible to walk. When I felt I was losing confidence, I got Darren to massage me between contractions. During contractions he squeezed my hips until I couldn't feel any pain. Truly his hip squeezing took away the contractions! It was so wonderful to discover this and we laboured like that for quite a while. I felt immense power between each contraction and really was convinced I could have a natural birth.
Darren massaged me in between contractions so each contraction was met from the calmest possible place of strength within myself. Then suddenly the hip squeezes weren't helping as much and I began to feel restless. I didn't know what I needed and was frustrated not knowing what position to labour in. I started to panic a bit. We went into our dark bedroom and lay on the bed together, but laying down made me feel scared and I began to lose my ground. Suddenly the contractions were intensifying. I began to vocalize through them which really seemed to help not only with the sensation, but in staying grounded and connecting with myself and the baby. I was considering running a bath when Robyn calmly suggested we go to the hospital.
Turns out I was in active labour then and about to go into transition. I was Robyn's second birth and she thought if we didn't get to the hospital soon she'd be delivering our baby in the tub!Luckily I agreed to go to the hospital at that point as I wasn't comfortable at home anymore. At midnight we made our way to the RUH. Robyn set up the back of her van so Darren could still give me hip squeezes. Though they weren't helping as much anymore, it helped to feel the pressure and his physical support. The van windows were open and the heavy scent of rain flooded the air. My face was cooled in the wind and I sent my moans out the window. By the time we went through admissions, I was dropping on the floor and moaning "mooooore" through each contraction while Darren squeezed. At one point I thought how much my requests for "more" sounded like "mourn"!
I was conscious about the tone of my moaning and kept bringing it lower. My voice really took over through each contraction. It was as if my voice was coming from within and outside of me all at once. It really helped to block everyone/everything out except for Robyn and Darren. Despite all the commotion of doctors and nurses who were worried I'd push the baby out right there in the hallway, I really felt as if it was just Darren and Robyn and I. The three of us had such a rhythm together and their attention was so tuned into me, that it was as if we were the only ones present. They were there for me whenever and wherever I needed them. As we made our ways through hallways and elevators and assessments all I had to do was say "NOW" and they would be there squeezing my hips, encouraging me and giving me love.
During transition I really just concentrated on staying inside myself and getting through each contraction as Robyn and Lisa and Kari had all said. I felt alone in my pain, but never unsupported. I kept thinking about how close we were getting to meeting Ben. It was close to torture to go through assessment and to have an exam. I thought I'd die if I had to take a contraction on my back, but the doctor on duty wouldn't have it any other way.
Luckily I was at 8 cm and feeling the urge to push so they sent me up to labour and delivery right away. As they wheeled me through the hallways I ordered them to stop at every contraction so I could rest on my hands and knees. At one point I yelled "I'm pushing!!" as I squatted in the hallway. My entire body wanted this baby to come out but Robyn helped me to breathe in a way that helped me not to push. My vocalizations began to take on words and phrases such as "come on baby" and "I'm puuuuushing! or "it's coooommmminggggg!" The words and my voice and the tone were key to my power. All at once I felt the most powerful and the most pain I have felt in all my life. But luckily the frequency of the contractions didn't leave any room to be overcome by fear. All other intentions beyond absolute necessities got squeezed out of consciousness.
The room lost its detail. The hallways and rooms became spaces of horizontal and vertical objects. Every object was a potential support to lean on through a contraction. Objects lost their regular purpose and everything was centered around me and the baby and how we could get through this. I was able to zone in instantly on what might help us and simultaneously dismiss anything that didn't serve us any purpose.When we got to the birthing room I scoped out the bed, ripped off my gown (which was so annoying) made a tower of pillows, and leaned over it as I bore down on my hands and knees. Darren and Robyn stood on either side of the bed and pressed my hips. The contractions were at their most intense and frequent and the pressure to push was in full force.
I focused all my energy on my voice calling out and sent my energy down through my vagina. With each contraction I visualized opening up around the baby and the baby's head slipping out effortlessly as it had happened in all my birthing dreams. The pressure was tremendous and the contractions were radiating down my thighs. I didn't push with my breath but rather with my voice. I called out from as deep a place as I could. I kept waiting to feel the release that I hadn't felt the last time because I had had an epidural. Most surprising was the pleasure I was feeling. The pressure didn't hurt. In fact if it wasn't for the contractions in my thighs and hips I think with all my screaming it could have been orgasmic!
I was getting so tired but I drew energy each time from a reserve that surprised me. It was really just me and the baby at this point. Dr. Doig had arrived just as Ben was crowning and I could feel her applying a tremendous amount of counterpressure which encouraged me that we were nearly there. The whole time I was pushing I was inside and outside of myself. So powerful inside and so proud about how I was doing this from the outside. The baby's head came through and there was that release! I was there, I was nearly there!
The shoulders took one more push and at 12:53 am, just 50 minutes after arriving at the hospital, Benjamin was born. I was so exhausted and relieved I could hardly turn around and meet him. They put him in my arms immediately. He was absolutely perfect. And there we all sat, Darren, Benjamin, Robyn and I adoring him. We had done it (we had!) as naturally as we had planned.It was such an empowering experience to birth Benjamin naturally. We couldn't have planned it better.
If Dr. Doig hadn't arrived when she did I might have had a doctor who insisted I lay on my back. The nurses as it was seemed to be slightly freaked out that I opted not to have the cytocinon injection nor to have Benjamin bathed or weighed before we had held and breastfeed him and the cord had pulsed out. Unfortunately their reaction to our requests turned into a bit of a negative experience when they were convinced I was hemoraghing (though I was not) and instilled fear in me for hours after the birth that I translated in my overly-vulnerable state, that I might be dying.
Luckily Robyn stayed and reassured me for 5 hours after, rubbing my thighs and serving up Rescue Remedy as needed. Her reassurance and support from the day we met until immediately after the birth was so important. I would never attempt to have a child without at least one doula. She really helped me overcome a lot of anxiety I was harbouring from the last birth and prepare me for a new experience--an experience that turned out to be the most empowering of my life.
I am so so blessed for this baby, this birth and all the wonderful and beautiful people who loved me and honoured pregnancy and the birth experience enough to make this all happen the way it did.Thank you all!I'm including a picture of our first moments with Benjamin.
"People spend more time shopping for a car or home than they put into their births." -- Kim Wildner from the book Mother's Intention
My Birth Story
When I got pregnant with my daughter, I was excited and scared all at once. This was something I had wanted for a long time but now that it had happened I was all of a sudden fearful that I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know much about birth and only really had two stories that I had heard. My mom’s…who had a very traumatic birth with my sister, and a friend’s…who had a wonderful birth experience. When I tried to discuss birth with my mom, she didn’t want to talk about it… 30 years later and it still brought up a lot of bad memories for her. When I would hear bits and pieces of my friend’s story, I thought this is what I want for myself. I want a loving birth experience that involves me and my baby working together to bring her into this world. This is what I dreamed of, this is what I thought I was going to have.
To prepare for our birth, my husband suggested we hire a doula…this wasn’t something I knew very much about and I was reluctant to the idea. But it was something he really wanted to do, as he had met a couple doulas through his schooling and was amazed by the stories they told. In our search for a doula, it felt like it was very hard to find someone. My husband didn’t want to use the women he knew through school, as they were his instructors, and he wasn’t comfortable having a doula relationship with them (I wasn’t either). So we phoned a woman whose name we found on the internet. Unfortunately she wasn’t able to take us but suggested we meet with her partner. We did and I wasn’t overly convinced that this was for me. But we had had such a hard time finding her name that I thought there is no way we are going to find anyone else that will be able to take us, so we hired her as our doula. We met with her twice before the birth and both times my instincts were telling me this isn’t the woman for us, but I ignored them. I didn’t feel like she was providing the information we need to get through this birth…it felt more like she was simply pushing her opinions on us and putting down the medical model…the place where I had decided I wanted to have my baby. I did not feel safe, I felt scared. I feared what was going to happen once I set foot in the hospital…this evil place she talked about. My husband and I both felt like this wasn’t how we are suppose to feel with a doula…but all the research says you benefit from having the support of one during your birth…so it must be right…
I woke up around 5:00 on a Monday morning, not feeling so great. I had lots of cramps and I just new something was happening. I was really excited. That day, my husband and I did some errands and just enjoyed the day and the thought that this baby might actually be coming. Later in the afternoon, I lost my mucus plug…so I thought our baby is going to be here soon. I had a doctor’s appointment already scheduled for that day, so when we got there, my doctor checked me, only to inform me my cervix was still tightly closed and that some women can lose their mucus plug a week before they actually go into labor. I was very disappointed.
I did start having contractions late Monday evening. They were pretty mild and my husband and I spend that night trying to get some sleep, which was impossible for me as I was pretty uncomfortable. By morning, I was exhausted by the lack of sleep and the contractions were starting to get stronger. I was starting to feel like I wasn’t sure I could do this anymore, I really just wanted to sleep. So we decided to call our doula for some extra support. She arrived about an hour later and I can honestly say I do not remember what she did to comfort me. I don’t think she really spoke to me or touched me or gave me the reassurance I needed. What I remember is she was suppose to start a new job that day, so she spent some time on the phone trying to sort that out. She also spent time on the phone talking with her kids. When she wasn’t on the phone, she talked to my husband about the divorce she was going through. I was thinking, I wish you would be quiet and just leave us alone. I could see my husband felt torn between supporting me and listening to her. I just wanted her to leave. I eventually retreated to the shower, where my husband and I could just concentrate on getting through the contractions. Our doula was sitting out in the living room and all I could think about was what was she doing, I should be trying to involve her or entertain her or something.
Early in the afternoon, my contractions really started to slow down. I was feeling nauseas and my husband and our doula were telling me to eat something and drink water but I just didn’t want to. My stomach didn’t feel like it could take it. Our doula said labor will sometimes slow down for some women and that it is a great time to take a rest, so she left and I tried to sleep. But something didn’t feel right and I told my husband I wanted to go to the hospital.
At the hospital, it was determined that I was pretty dehydrated, so they hooked me up to an IV. Then came the fetal monitoring which showed that the baby was in distress…although no one explained to us why or how they came to this conclusion. The next thing I knew I wasn’t allowed to take in anymore fluids by mouth and I heard the word cesarean and the nurse telling me “its not about you anymore, it’s only about the baby”. What does that mean? What I feel is right doesn’t count? The on call doctor showed up and checked me…only 2-3cm dilated. How is that possible...I have been having contractions for the past 16 hours and I am tired. She broke my water, I felt like crawling off the table. There was some meconium.
Breaking my water did speed up my labor, along with the help of the pitocin. I can’t remember consenting to pitocin…but I must have…I was feeling so trapped. Tied to the bed with monitors and all these people around me, my husband way across the room. I can’t reach him. The resident obstetrician, is saying the anesthesiologist is here and can give me an epidural…but I don’t want one…I never asked for one. But she says just let her talk to you. Ok…maybe I should…I don’t think I can do this anymore, I can’t move, I can’t handle this pain. Why isn’t anyone helping me, why are they just making it worse? We called our doula, but when she gets there I am getting the epidural. As I wait for the needle, I am thinking, I feel so much better now that I can sit up.
The epidural kicks in and I feel relief, I can now sleep. Our doula goes home…I don’t really want her there anyway. We are suppose to call her if we need her…but we don’t…I didn’t want to. So much for sleep, with all the monitors hooked up to me. All through the night all I can feel is my sore back from being stuck in bed and the blood pressure monitor going off every 20 minutes. How am I suppose to sleep?
Early Wednesday morning…I am fully dilated and it is finally time to push. My husband and I are so excited. The moment to meet our baby has finally arrived. I can’t wait for them to lay her on my belly and for me to see and cuddle her for the first time. To see her naked little body, that has just come out of me. I push with everything in me, thinking I am doing such a great job. Vacuum? Already…I have barely pushed…I can do this, I don’t need that vacuum. The resident doctor fumbles with it over and over again; she can’t get it attached to the baby’s head. I want to tell her to stop but I can’t speak. The doctor is checking me, she can’t tell which way the baby’s head is turned. I wish everyone would stop touching me. The doctor says she has to go get the obstetrician. I want to try a different pushing position but she says wait until the obstetrician comes in. She is here, she doesn’t even say hi. She is checking me, I am told to push again. I push so hard, I know I can push this baby out. I look up and the room is full of faces…it feels like at least 20. Forceps? I never consented to forceps…I don’t want them. I look at my husband for answers…he looks shocked and scared. I am pushing but they are pulling me off the table, I can’t push like this. It all stops, I feel overwhelmed, violated. I am shaking and crying as they stitch me up. I didn’t even know they cut me. The doctor says we have to have a cesarean…I cry. They all leave the room, to let me and my husband discuss. Why are they not in a rush now…they were in such a rush to deliver the baby a couple minutes ago. Why didn’t I get to push longer before they intervened? The doctor comes back in and says we can try pushing again if you like. I am too exhausted, so we wait 45 minutes to have a cesarean…I am sure I am going to sleep through it, I am so tired.
At 10:14 on Wednesday morning our beautiful little girl was born by cesarean. I didn’t get to see her naked little body being born or cuddle her on my chest, but when they told me she had arrived I was still overwhelmed with joy that I now had a daughter. The next few days were rough. It was difficult connecting with my little girl right away, because I couldn’t take care of her the way I wanted to. But my husband was amazing. He nurtured me back to health and he gave our little girl what I couldn’t. My daughter and I eventually found our rhythm and she is the best thing that ever happened to us. My husband and I have struggled through our experience and still are, but he has been an amazing support to me and it has brought us very close as a family. We have learned so much from our daughter…who knew her arrival was going to teach us more then we can probably ever teach her in her lifetime.
To prepare for our birth, my husband suggested we hire a doula…this wasn’t something I knew very much about and I was reluctant to the idea. But it was something he really wanted to do, as he had met a couple doulas through his schooling and was amazed by the stories they told. In our search for a doula, it felt like it was very hard to find someone. My husband didn’t want to use the women he knew through school, as they were his instructors, and he wasn’t comfortable having a doula relationship with them (I wasn’t either). So we phoned a woman whose name we found on the internet. Unfortunately she wasn’t able to take us but suggested we meet with her partner. We did and I wasn’t overly convinced that this was for me. But we had had such a hard time finding her name that I thought there is no way we are going to find anyone else that will be able to take us, so we hired her as our doula. We met with her twice before the birth and both times my instincts were telling me this isn’t the woman for us, but I ignored them. I didn’t feel like she was providing the information we need to get through this birth…it felt more like she was simply pushing her opinions on us and putting down the medical model…the place where I had decided I wanted to have my baby. I did not feel safe, I felt scared. I feared what was going to happen once I set foot in the hospital…this evil place she talked about. My husband and I both felt like this wasn’t how we are suppose to feel with a doula…but all the research says you benefit from having the support of one during your birth…so it must be right…
I woke up around 5:00 on a Monday morning, not feeling so great. I had lots of cramps and I just new something was happening. I was really excited. That day, my husband and I did some errands and just enjoyed the day and the thought that this baby might actually be coming. Later in the afternoon, I lost my mucus plug…so I thought our baby is going to be here soon. I had a doctor’s appointment already scheduled for that day, so when we got there, my doctor checked me, only to inform me my cervix was still tightly closed and that some women can lose their mucus plug a week before they actually go into labor. I was very disappointed.
I did start having contractions late Monday evening. They were pretty mild and my husband and I spend that night trying to get some sleep, which was impossible for me as I was pretty uncomfortable. By morning, I was exhausted by the lack of sleep and the contractions were starting to get stronger. I was starting to feel like I wasn’t sure I could do this anymore, I really just wanted to sleep. So we decided to call our doula for some extra support. She arrived about an hour later and I can honestly say I do not remember what she did to comfort me. I don’t think she really spoke to me or touched me or gave me the reassurance I needed. What I remember is she was suppose to start a new job that day, so she spent some time on the phone trying to sort that out. She also spent time on the phone talking with her kids. When she wasn’t on the phone, she talked to my husband about the divorce she was going through. I was thinking, I wish you would be quiet and just leave us alone. I could see my husband felt torn between supporting me and listening to her. I just wanted her to leave. I eventually retreated to the shower, where my husband and I could just concentrate on getting through the contractions. Our doula was sitting out in the living room and all I could think about was what was she doing, I should be trying to involve her or entertain her or something.
Early in the afternoon, my contractions really started to slow down. I was feeling nauseas and my husband and our doula were telling me to eat something and drink water but I just didn’t want to. My stomach didn’t feel like it could take it. Our doula said labor will sometimes slow down for some women and that it is a great time to take a rest, so she left and I tried to sleep. But something didn’t feel right and I told my husband I wanted to go to the hospital.
At the hospital, it was determined that I was pretty dehydrated, so they hooked me up to an IV. Then came the fetal monitoring which showed that the baby was in distress…although no one explained to us why or how they came to this conclusion. The next thing I knew I wasn’t allowed to take in anymore fluids by mouth and I heard the word cesarean and the nurse telling me “its not about you anymore, it’s only about the baby”. What does that mean? What I feel is right doesn’t count? The on call doctor showed up and checked me…only 2-3cm dilated. How is that possible...I have been having contractions for the past 16 hours and I am tired. She broke my water, I felt like crawling off the table. There was some meconium.
Breaking my water did speed up my labor, along with the help of the pitocin. I can’t remember consenting to pitocin…but I must have…I was feeling so trapped. Tied to the bed with monitors and all these people around me, my husband way across the room. I can’t reach him. The resident obstetrician, is saying the anesthesiologist is here and can give me an epidural…but I don’t want one…I never asked for one. But she says just let her talk to you. Ok…maybe I should…I don’t think I can do this anymore, I can’t move, I can’t handle this pain. Why isn’t anyone helping me, why are they just making it worse? We called our doula, but when she gets there I am getting the epidural. As I wait for the needle, I am thinking, I feel so much better now that I can sit up.
The epidural kicks in and I feel relief, I can now sleep. Our doula goes home…I don’t really want her there anyway. We are suppose to call her if we need her…but we don’t…I didn’t want to. So much for sleep, with all the monitors hooked up to me. All through the night all I can feel is my sore back from being stuck in bed and the blood pressure monitor going off every 20 minutes. How am I suppose to sleep?
Early Wednesday morning…I am fully dilated and it is finally time to push. My husband and I are so excited. The moment to meet our baby has finally arrived. I can’t wait for them to lay her on my belly and for me to see and cuddle her for the first time. To see her naked little body, that has just come out of me. I push with everything in me, thinking I am doing such a great job. Vacuum? Already…I have barely pushed…I can do this, I don’t need that vacuum. The resident doctor fumbles with it over and over again; she can’t get it attached to the baby’s head. I want to tell her to stop but I can’t speak. The doctor is checking me, she can’t tell which way the baby’s head is turned. I wish everyone would stop touching me. The doctor says she has to go get the obstetrician. I want to try a different pushing position but she says wait until the obstetrician comes in. She is here, she doesn’t even say hi. She is checking me, I am told to push again. I push so hard, I know I can push this baby out. I look up and the room is full of faces…it feels like at least 20. Forceps? I never consented to forceps…I don’t want them. I look at my husband for answers…he looks shocked and scared. I am pushing but they are pulling me off the table, I can’t push like this. It all stops, I feel overwhelmed, violated. I am shaking and crying as they stitch me up. I didn’t even know they cut me. The doctor says we have to have a cesarean…I cry. They all leave the room, to let me and my husband discuss. Why are they not in a rush now…they were in such a rush to deliver the baby a couple minutes ago. Why didn’t I get to push longer before they intervened? The doctor comes back in and says we can try pushing again if you like. I am too exhausted, so we wait 45 minutes to have a cesarean…I am sure I am going to sleep through it, I am so tired.
At 10:14 on Wednesday morning our beautiful little girl was born by cesarean. I didn’t get to see her naked little body being born or cuddle her on my chest, but when they told me she had arrived I was still overwhelmed with joy that I now had a daughter. The next few days were rough. It was difficult connecting with my little girl right away, because I couldn’t take care of her the way I wanted to. But my husband was amazing. He nurtured me back to health and he gave our little girl what I couldn’t. My daughter and I eventually found our rhythm and she is the best thing that ever happened to us. My husband and I have struggled through our experience and still are, but he has been an amazing support to me and it has brought us very close as a family. We have learned so much from our daughter…who knew her arrival was going to teach us more then we can probably ever teach her in her lifetime.
My VBAC
After the birth of my daughter I knew right away that I wanted to be pregnant and give birth again. Not because I was fully ready to have more babies…or to give birth…but because I wanted a do over. My first birth was a traumatic experience and I wanted a second chance…I wanted to prove that I could give birth the way I wanted to. I knew I couldn’t get pregnant again right away because it just wouldn’t have been a smart decision…so I waited. During this time I really struggled with what I had been through…at first it was all I wanted to talk about. But nobody really understood…my husband was very supportive but it just wasn’t enough. Through a mom’s group I had joined I found out about Birth Rhythm and decided to take one of their mom and baby classes. During the class I met these women who had wonderful natural birth experiences and I ached for what they had. Kari, the doula running the class and who I had only talked on the phone with, was amazing. I instantly connected with her…she made me feel safe, important and comfortable. I barely knew her and she was giving me hugs and offering to talk about my birth over tea…I never took her up on her offer…I really wanted to but I didn’t quite have the courage to open up to anyone yet…but the offer was exactly what I needed. And I though to myself when I get pregnant again I am calling Kari.
When I did get pregnant for the second time, I was probably in avoidance for ½ of the pregnancy. Although I wanted more kids, I wasn’t truly ready to have another child…it was more a need to birth again. And when I actually thought about having another baby and giving birth again I was terrified. My brain knew what I need to do in order to birth the way I wanted to but I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted a doula for this birth…my husband was very supportive either way but he said the decision was up to me. I just wasn’t sure if I could trust anyone again and part of me wanted to prove that my husband and I could do this on our own. I finally decided to take the prenatal class through Birth Rhythm. When I started reading the books from class every time they talked about the cons of different medical interventions all I could think was that happened to me. It really hit home and got me thinking and motivated to take an active role in this pregnancy and birth. And for me that meant stop avoiding my first birth experience, start facing my fears and allow myself to ask for support. Every night after class I would come home and write in my journal or talk my husband’s ear off about all the new insights I was having. I felt so light…like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I was beginning to trust my body and my intuition again. I looked forward to class every week…it was such a safe place…its hard to describe how I felt when I attend class…except safe, supported and surrounded by the excitement of birth. Even though I don’t think I ever told them…as I usually just sat back and listened, taking everything in…Kari and Lisa’s trust in the birth process was amazing to me. I can’t even begin to describe what they did for me. They supported me without feeling sorry for me. They made me feel strong, believed in and heard. They trusted in my birth, which allowed me to trust in it as well. Their support beforehand and Kari and my husband’s support during my labor truly allowed me to have a beautiful birth experience…
I woke up on Tuesday morning, after a great night’s sleep, feeling a little funny. I was having some minor cramping and contractions about 20 minutes apart. After we got our daughter off to daycare and my husband went to work, I tried to rest but I couldn’t really get comfortable. Things were pretty mild at this point and I wasn’t 100% sure I was in labor but I thought I might be. So I cleaned the bathrooms….I didn’t want to labor in a dirty bathroom… and got ready for the day. I was able to walk and talk through the contractions for most of the morning. I was suppose to go for a massage at my husband’s work later that morning but phoned to tell him I wasn’t going to make it because I still wasn’t feeling that great. Plus it was snowing and I didn’t want to venture out. He asked me if he needed to come home but I didn’t think so yet. I think I was still in denial that I was actually in labor. He did come home for lunch and was planning to go back to work but we decided he should stay home and rest…in case we had a long night ahead of us. In the early afternoon I couldn’t walk or talk through the contractions anymore, but they were still bearable and about 7 minutes apart. I sat in the rocking chair in the baby’s room, focusing on the contractions and talking to my soon to arrive baby. I felt so relaxed, safe and connected to the little one inside of me. I was feeling very determined to allow my body to do what it need to do in order to birth my baby. My husband was watching TV and would come and check on me every once in awhile. But for the most part I just wanted to be alone with my baby. About mid-afternoon we started to make plans as to where our daughter was going to spend the night. This required a few phone calls, which caused me to become a little unfocused, and I started to feel flustered and less in control. The contractions were becoming stronger and were harder to get through. My husband and I tried different techniques to help with the pain but nothing seemed to work. Every time he touched me it felt like it made the contraction stronger. The contractions were all in my belly and it felt like it was ripping apart. So for the next little while, we just sat together and my husband talked me through the pain. At around 6:30, I was starting to lose control. I couldn’t find a comfortable position…nothing seemed to help. I just wanted to get into the bath tub, but I was scared it was going to slow down labor. I wasn’t sure if I was past 4 cm yet as the contractions were still 4 to 6 minutes apart. My husband checked me and figured I was 4-6cm dilated. Thank god… I am getting in the tub. He was also pretty excited because he said he could feel the baby’s head. So I got into the tub and my husband phoned Kari. She said she would come over whenever we were ready, but we thought we’d wait and try the bath first. I thought this is going to relax me and take away the pain. But it didn’t. I couldn’t bear the pain when I was lying down and the tub was too small to be on my hands and knees…my husband phoned for Kari to come. I am so thankful she was there, as I am sure at this point we would have gone to the hospital if we didn’t have her. I knelt on the floor and leaned on our bed trying to breath through each contraction, but they were becoming almost unbearable. They would come on so fast and so strong but were still only 5 minutes apart. I’m going to be doing this all night…I don’t think I can. Kari arrives. She talks me through the contractions…I am able to relax and cope a little bit better…her support is amazing. But then I start to feel some pressure and there are 3 contractions one right after another. I can’t do this anymore…it feels like the baby is going to fall out. Kari says we should go to the hospital. I don’t want to move but I have to…how am I going to make it out to the car…I wish I could stay home. Why was I too scared to have a baby at home? Its cold out, I am shaking uncontrollably. The ride seems to take forever. Is the baby really coming…the contractions still seem so far apart and my water hasn’t broken…I can’t do this all night…the pain is becoming unbearable. Kari hugs me in the backseat keeping me warm and calm as my husband drives. I notice it’s snowing and icy out. We are at the hospital…I just got to get inside…it’s so hard to move. Kari takes me in and my husband parks the car. Another contraction…I hold on to her…it’s so hard to stay standing. The line ups look so long in emergency…I don’t think I can wait…how am I going to wait. Another contraction…I can’t get away from the pain…it seems like there is no where to find comfort. I want to push. Kari is wheeling me up to assessments and my husband stays behind to register…where is my husband…he is going to miss something. Another contraction. I can’t sit in this wheelchair…I need to push. We get to assessments and they send us straight to delivery. There is so much commotion. Someone says take off your pants and get on the bed. I do. I am on my hands and knees…my water breaks…what relief…I really need to push. I am told to turn over. I can’t move…I don’t want anyone to touch me. There’s my husband’s voice…he made it. My husband and Kari help me turn over…the nurse checks me…I am 10 cm. I can push. I feel the baby moving with each push…oh god this hurts…I just want him out. I thought the pushing would feel better. The contractions are ripping me apart. I feel Kari’s hand on my back helping me to push correctly. There is so much pressure. I can hear my husband…his voice full of so much amazement and excitement…he can see the head. Did the baby just go all the way back in…I thought he was almost out…is he almost out? I am groaning…I must be so loud. They tell me to open my eyes and look at the head. Is that my body…I am really doing this. I push…the head is out…where was the burn…I thought it was suppose to burn…one more push and out comes the body…so fast. Such relieve. It’s a boy. I look down…he looks so little…I’m holding him…I did it…I can’t believe I did it. He is perfect….oh god what relief…I can’t believe he’s already here. I can’t believe I am holding his naked little body. Kari stays by my side. I feel safe, taken care of. I watch my husband, as he stays with our baby boy…so excited to be a dad for the second time.
After our 7lb 6oz little boy was born, I remember saying that it was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Not because it wasn’t painful or tiring or emotional. But because I felt safe, loved and in control. I was strong and my body did what it was made to do. I guess part of me didn’t believe it could be different than my first birth experience. Part of me didn’t fully believe natural childbirth was possible. But it is and I am so thankful to have had experienced it. And I am so thankful for the support I had along the way from my husband and Kari. They gave me the confidence and determination to use my voice in order to have the birth experience I wanted. After going through my first birth, I definitely see this pregnancy and birth experience as a precious gift. It helped to heal many wounds and allowed me to trust in my body and intuition again.
When I did get pregnant for the second time, I was probably in avoidance for ½ of the pregnancy. Although I wanted more kids, I wasn’t truly ready to have another child…it was more a need to birth again. And when I actually thought about having another baby and giving birth again I was terrified. My brain knew what I need to do in order to birth the way I wanted to but I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted a doula for this birth…my husband was very supportive either way but he said the decision was up to me. I just wasn’t sure if I could trust anyone again and part of me wanted to prove that my husband and I could do this on our own. I finally decided to take the prenatal class through Birth Rhythm. When I started reading the books from class every time they talked about the cons of different medical interventions all I could think was that happened to me. It really hit home and got me thinking and motivated to take an active role in this pregnancy and birth. And for me that meant stop avoiding my first birth experience, start facing my fears and allow myself to ask for support. Every night after class I would come home and write in my journal or talk my husband’s ear off about all the new insights I was having. I felt so light…like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I was beginning to trust my body and my intuition again. I looked forward to class every week…it was such a safe place…its hard to describe how I felt when I attend class…except safe, supported and surrounded by the excitement of birth. Even though I don’t think I ever told them…as I usually just sat back and listened, taking everything in…Kari and Lisa’s trust in the birth process was amazing to me. I can’t even begin to describe what they did for me. They supported me without feeling sorry for me. They made me feel strong, believed in and heard. They trusted in my birth, which allowed me to trust in it as well. Their support beforehand and Kari and my husband’s support during my labor truly allowed me to have a beautiful birth experience…
I woke up on Tuesday morning, after a great night’s sleep, feeling a little funny. I was having some minor cramping and contractions about 20 minutes apart. After we got our daughter off to daycare and my husband went to work, I tried to rest but I couldn’t really get comfortable. Things were pretty mild at this point and I wasn’t 100% sure I was in labor but I thought I might be. So I cleaned the bathrooms….I didn’t want to labor in a dirty bathroom… and got ready for the day. I was able to walk and talk through the contractions for most of the morning. I was suppose to go for a massage at my husband’s work later that morning but phoned to tell him I wasn’t going to make it because I still wasn’t feeling that great. Plus it was snowing and I didn’t want to venture out. He asked me if he needed to come home but I didn’t think so yet. I think I was still in denial that I was actually in labor. He did come home for lunch and was planning to go back to work but we decided he should stay home and rest…in case we had a long night ahead of us. In the early afternoon I couldn’t walk or talk through the contractions anymore, but they were still bearable and about 7 minutes apart. I sat in the rocking chair in the baby’s room, focusing on the contractions and talking to my soon to arrive baby. I felt so relaxed, safe and connected to the little one inside of me. I was feeling very determined to allow my body to do what it need to do in order to birth my baby. My husband was watching TV and would come and check on me every once in awhile. But for the most part I just wanted to be alone with my baby. About mid-afternoon we started to make plans as to where our daughter was going to spend the night. This required a few phone calls, which caused me to become a little unfocused, and I started to feel flustered and less in control. The contractions were becoming stronger and were harder to get through. My husband and I tried different techniques to help with the pain but nothing seemed to work. Every time he touched me it felt like it made the contraction stronger. The contractions were all in my belly and it felt like it was ripping apart. So for the next little while, we just sat together and my husband talked me through the pain. At around 6:30, I was starting to lose control. I couldn’t find a comfortable position…nothing seemed to help. I just wanted to get into the bath tub, but I was scared it was going to slow down labor. I wasn’t sure if I was past 4 cm yet as the contractions were still 4 to 6 minutes apart. My husband checked me and figured I was 4-6cm dilated. Thank god… I am getting in the tub. He was also pretty excited because he said he could feel the baby’s head. So I got into the tub and my husband phoned Kari. She said she would come over whenever we were ready, but we thought we’d wait and try the bath first. I thought this is going to relax me and take away the pain. But it didn’t. I couldn’t bear the pain when I was lying down and the tub was too small to be on my hands and knees…my husband phoned for Kari to come. I am so thankful she was there, as I am sure at this point we would have gone to the hospital if we didn’t have her. I knelt on the floor and leaned on our bed trying to breath through each contraction, but they were becoming almost unbearable. They would come on so fast and so strong but were still only 5 minutes apart. I’m going to be doing this all night…I don’t think I can. Kari arrives. She talks me through the contractions…I am able to relax and cope a little bit better…her support is amazing. But then I start to feel some pressure and there are 3 contractions one right after another. I can’t do this anymore…it feels like the baby is going to fall out. Kari says we should go to the hospital. I don’t want to move but I have to…how am I going to make it out to the car…I wish I could stay home. Why was I too scared to have a baby at home? Its cold out, I am shaking uncontrollably. The ride seems to take forever. Is the baby really coming…the contractions still seem so far apart and my water hasn’t broken…I can’t do this all night…the pain is becoming unbearable. Kari hugs me in the backseat keeping me warm and calm as my husband drives. I notice it’s snowing and icy out. We are at the hospital…I just got to get inside…it’s so hard to move. Kari takes me in and my husband parks the car. Another contraction…I hold on to her…it’s so hard to stay standing. The line ups look so long in emergency…I don’t think I can wait…how am I going to wait. Another contraction…I can’t get away from the pain…it seems like there is no where to find comfort. I want to push. Kari is wheeling me up to assessments and my husband stays behind to register…where is my husband…he is going to miss something. Another contraction. I can’t sit in this wheelchair…I need to push. We get to assessments and they send us straight to delivery. There is so much commotion. Someone says take off your pants and get on the bed. I do. I am on my hands and knees…my water breaks…what relief…I really need to push. I am told to turn over. I can’t move…I don’t want anyone to touch me. There’s my husband’s voice…he made it. My husband and Kari help me turn over…the nurse checks me…I am 10 cm. I can push. I feel the baby moving with each push…oh god this hurts…I just want him out. I thought the pushing would feel better. The contractions are ripping me apart. I feel Kari’s hand on my back helping me to push correctly. There is so much pressure. I can hear my husband…his voice full of so much amazement and excitement…he can see the head. Did the baby just go all the way back in…I thought he was almost out…is he almost out? I am groaning…I must be so loud. They tell me to open my eyes and look at the head. Is that my body…I am really doing this. I push…the head is out…where was the burn…I thought it was suppose to burn…one more push and out comes the body…so fast. Such relieve. It’s a boy. I look down…he looks so little…I’m holding him…I did it…I can’t believe I did it. He is perfect….oh god what relief…I can’t believe he’s already here. I can’t believe I am holding his naked little body. Kari stays by my side. I feel safe, taken care of. I watch my husband, as he stays with our baby boy…so excited to be a dad for the second time.
After our 7lb 6oz little boy was born, I remember saying that it was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Not because it wasn’t painful or tiring or emotional. But because I felt safe, loved and in control. I was strong and my body did what it was made to do. I guess part of me didn’t believe it could be different than my first birth experience. Part of me didn’t fully believe natural childbirth was possible. But it is and I am so thankful to have had experienced it. And I am so thankful for the support I had along the way from my husband and Kari. They gave me the confidence and determination to use my voice in order to have the birth experience I wanted. After going through my first birth, I definitely see this pregnancy and birth experience as a precious gift. It helped to heal many wounds and allowed me to trust in my body and intuition again.
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