My VBAC

After the birth of my daughter I knew right away that I wanted to be pregnant and give birth again. Not because I was fully ready to have more babies…or to give birth…but because I wanted a do over. My first birth was a traumatic experience and I wanted a second chance…I wanted to prove that I could give birth the way I wanted to. I knew I couldn’t get pregnant again right away because it just wouldn’t have been a smart decision…so I waited. During this time I really struggled with what I had been through…at first it was all I wanted to talk about. But nobody really understood…my husband was very supportive but it just wasn’t enough. Through a mom’s group I had joined I found out about Birth Rhythm and decided to take one of their mom and baby classes. During the class I met these women who had wonderful natural birth experiences and I ached for what they had. Kari, the doula running the class and who I had only talked on the phone with, was amazing. I instantly connected with her…she made me feel safe, important and comfortable. I barely knew her and she was giving me hugs and offering to talk about my birth over tea…I never took her up on her offer…I really wanted to but I didn’t quite have the courage to open up to anyone yet…but the offer was exactly what I needed. And I though to myself when I get pregnant again I am calling Kari.

When I did get pregnant for the second time, I was probably in avoidance for ½ of the pregnancy. Although I wanted more kids, I wasn’t truly ready to have another child…it was more a need to birth again. And when I actually thought about having another baby and giving birth again I was terrified. My brain knew what I need to do in order to birth the way I wanted to but I just wasn’t ready to go there yet. I went back and forth about whether or not I wanted a doula for this birth…my husband was very supportive either way but he said the decision was up to me. I just wasn’t sure if I could trust anyone again and part of me wanted to prove that my husband and I could do this on our own. I finally decided to take the prenatal class through Birth Rhythm. When I started reading the books from class every time they talked about the cons of different medical interventions all I could think was that happened to me. It really hit home and got me thinking and motivated to take an active role in this pregnancy and birth. And for me that meant stop avoiding my first birth experience, start facing my fears and allow myself to ask for support. Every night after class I would come home and write in my journal or talk my husband’s ear off about all the new insights I was having. I felt so light…like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I was beginning to trust my body and my intuition again. I looked forward to class every week…it was such a safe place…its hard to describe how I felt when I attend class…except safe, supported and surrounded by the excitement of birth. Even though I don’t think I ever told them…as I usually just sat back and listened, taking everything in…Kari and Lisa’s trust in the birth process was amazing to me. I can’t even begin to describe what they did for me. They supported me without feeling sorry for me. They made me feel strong, believed in and heard. They trusted in my birth, which allowed me to trust in it as well. Their support beforehand and Kari and my husband’s support during my labor truly allowed me to have a beautiful birth experience…

I woke up on Tuesday morning, after a great night’s sleep, feeling a little funny. I was having some minor cramping and contractions about 20 minutes apart. After we got our daughter off to daycare and my husband went to work, I tried to rest but I couldn’t really get comfortable. Things were pretty mild at this point and I wasn’t 100% sure I was in labor but I thought I might be. So I cleaned the bathrooms….I didn’t want to labor in a dirty bathroom… and got ready for the day. I was able to walk and talk through the contractions for most of the morning. I was suppose to go for a massage at my husband’s work later that morning but phoned to tell him I wasn’t going to make it because I still wasn’t feeling that great. Plus it was snowing and I didn’t want to venture out. He asked me if he needed to come home but I didn’t think so yet. I think I was still in denial that I was actually in labor. He did come home for lunch and was planning to go back to work but we decided he should stay home and rest…in case we had a long night ahead of us. In the early afternoon I couldn’t walk or talk through the contractions anymore, but they were still bearable and about 7 minutes apart. I sat in the rocking chair in the baby’s room, focusing on the contractions and talking to my soon to arrive baby. I felt so relaxed, safe and connected to the little one inside of me. I was feeling very determined to allow my body to do what it need to do in order to birth my baby. My husband was watching TV and would come and check on me every once in awhile. But for the most part I just wanted to be alone with my baby. About mid-afternoon we started to make plans as to where our daughter was going to spend the night. This required a few phone calls, which caused me to become a little unfocused, and I started to feel flustered and less in control. The contractions were becoming stronger and were harder to get through. My husband and I tried different techniques to help with the pain but nothing seemed to work. Every time he touched me it felt like it made the contraction stronger. The contractions were all in my belly and it felt like it was ripping apart. So for the next little while, we just sat together and my husband talked me through the pain. At around 6:30, I was starting to lose control. I couldn’t find a comfortable position…nothing seemed to help. I just wanted to get into the bath tub, but I was scared it was going to slow down labor. I wasn’t sure if I was past 4 cm yet as the contractions were still 4 to 6 minutes apart. My husband checked me and figured I was 4-6cm dilated. Thank god… I am getting in the tub. He was also pretty excited because he said he could feel the baby’s head. So I got into the tub and my husband phoned Kari. She said she would come over whenever we were ready, but we thought we’d wait and try the bath first. I thought this is going to relax me and take away the pain. But it didn’t. I couldn’t bear the pain when I was lying down and the tub was too small to be on my hands and knees…my husband phoned for Kari to come. I am so thankful she was there, as I am sure at this point we would have gone to the hospital if we didn’t have her. I knelt on the floor and leaned on our bed trying to breath through each contraction, but they were becoming almost unbearable. They would come on so fast and so strong but were still only 5 minutes apart. I’m going to be doing this all night…I don’t think I can. Kari arrives. She talks me through the contractions…I am able to relax and cope a little bit better…her support is amazing. But then I start to feel some pressure and there are 3 contractions one right after another. I can’t do this anymore…it feels like the baby is going to fall out. Kari says we should go to the hospital. I don’t want to move but I have to…how am I going to make it out to the car…I wish I could stay home. Why was I too scared to have a baby at home? Its cold out, I am shaking uncontrollably. The ride seems to take forever. Is the baby really coming…the contractions still seem so far apart and my water hasn’t broken…I can’t do this all night…the pain is becoming unbearable. Kari hugs me in the backseat keeping me warm and calm as my husband drives. I notice it’s snowing and icy out. We are at the hospital…I just got to get inside…it’s so hard to move. Kari takes me in and my husband parks the car. Another contraction…I hold on to her…it’s so hard to stay standing. The line ups look so long in emergency…I don’t think I can wait…how am I going to wait. Another contraction…I can’t get away from the pain…it seems like there is no where to find comfort. I want to push. Kari is wheeling me up to assessments and my husband stays behind to register…where is my husband…he is going to miss something. Another contraction. I can’t sit in this wheelchair…I need to push. We get to assessments and they send us straight to delivery. There is so much commotion. Someone says take off your pants and get on the bed. I do. I am on my hands and knees…my water breaks…what relief…I really need to push. I am told to turn over. I can’t move…I don’t want anyone to touch me. There’s my husband’s voice…he made it. My husband and Kari help me turn over…the nurse checks me…I am 10 cm. I can push. I feel the baby moving with each push…oh god this hurts…I just want him out. I thought the pushing would feel better. The contractions are ripping me apart. I feel Kari’s hand on my back helping me to push correctly. There is so much pressure. I can hear my husband…his voice full of so much amazement and excitement…he can see the head. Did the baby just go all the way back in…I thought he was almost out…is he almost out? I am groaning…I must be so loud. They tell me to open my eyes and look at the head. Is that my body…I am really doing this. I push…the head is out…where was the burn…I thought it was suppose to burn…one more push and out comes the body…so fast. Such relieve. It’s a boy. I look down…he looks so little…I’m holding him…I did it…I can’t believe I did it. He is perfect….oh god what relief…I can’t believe he’s already here. I can’t believe I am holding his naked little body. Kari stays by my side. I feel safe, taken care of. I watch my husband, as he stays with our baby boy…so excited to be a dad for the second time.

After our 7lb 6oz little boy was born, I remember saying that it was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Not because it wasn’t painful or tiring or emotional. But because I felt safe, loved and in control. I was strong and my body did what it was made to do. I guess part of me didn’t believe it could be different than my first birth experience. Part of me didn’t fully believe natural childbirth was possible. But it is and I am so thankful to have had experienced it. And I am so thankful for the support I had along the way from my husband and Kari. They gave me the confidence and determination to use my voice in order to have the birth experience I wanted. After going through my first birth, I definitely see this pregnancy and birth experience as a precious gift. It helped to heal many wounds and allowed me to trust in my body and intuition again.